Ostrich, Bulldog, Honey Bee, Oxen, Turtle?
“Why can’t you stand there and fight like a woman?” “Why do you always give in to me?” “He comes on so strong, it’s impossible to disagree with him!”
It’s not unusual to be absolutely stumped by how another person handles a little argument or simple difference of opinion. His/her response might seem so overblown, or so withdrawn, you wonder if you’re both of the same species.
Welcome to the world of ‘Conflict Styles’. Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann defined five different conflict styles: ways in which each of us tends to handle disputes with others. The five styles:
- Competing: assertive, uncooperative
- Avoiding: unassertive, uncooperative
- Accommodating: unassertive, cooperative
- Collaborating: assertive, cooperative
- Compromising: intermediate assertiveness and cooperativeness
Each style can shine in at least some situations . For example, firefighters need to be assertive and uncooperative in an emergency. They know what needs to happen; they make it happen. Or, avoiding a chance meeting with an angry bully may be the best way to stay unharmed.
TIP: Take into account the different conflict styles of the people around you, whether at home or work. To make communication possible when conflict arises, manage the situation to create comfort for each style.
Ideally, each person identifies their own conflict style and learns to expand their options. But you can suggest a timeout when someone is coming on strong, while another is shrinking into his/her shell. Sometimes the simple act of naming what is happening, along with stating a hope for good communication, can do wonders. Ex. “Things have gotten heated. It seems like each of us is handling this in a different way. I hope we’ll be able to talk more easily about this important issue if we take a short break.”
photo by zert.sonstige_2008
‘Denial’
Filed under: Conflict, Managing Conflict
